Post by dimensionwarrior on Sept 3, 2014 22:16:06 GMT
Hi everyone, thanks for reading this and I'd like to request some critique on the (shortened-which-is-actually-still-very-long) version of my character's their story.
I have been creating these characters since I am 11 (19 now). They have been developing over time and I'd like to know what you guys think of it. Of course please conciser the way you give your critique on it (basically: no hate please)
The basic idea is that at some point all of my characters died. Their souls went to the underworld which holds two portals; one to heaven and one to hell. Some souls who are not required to go to hell nor can go to heaven are deemed to stay in the zone between those two portals until they are deemed another sentence. The souls wandering that zone have been calling it zone zero. Because it looks like earth but purple-black and can hold no living thing that could rot away. No plants and hunger is always a thing in zone zero (the underworld). You can´t die again so it has a little of Heaven but also a little of hell because it's torture.
Shikiro – A fallen angel has been wandering that very same zone with the task of the gods to make soldiers to defend heaven from the attacks of hell. These warriors had to be inspected by one of the gods daughter's who would deem them a good soldier or not. If they were a good soldier they would go to heaven and help the angels defend heaven and its souls. If not, they would be killed in a peaceful manner so their soul would return to the gate where souls normally go when their physical body dies.
The warriors had to come from somewhere and Shikiro decided to (with their permission) turn the souls that wandered zone zero into these soldiers. Their soul would be transferred to a body and they were promised to go to heaven if they were good soldiers and did as they were supposed to. Most souls would agree with it and they were the first experiments to be these new soldiers.
There were problems along the way tough and a lot of mistakes were made. The daughter of the gods rejected them again and again for these problems. Eventually after thousands of years a lot of souls have even been disappearing. Some did not return after they have been killed and that was where Shikiro stopped 'killing' them and let them live. She concluded the souls needed a sacrifice to be able to get inside the new body. Basically the soul became weaker every time because a part of the soul was sent to the void that was around zone zero to never return.
Her project became slower now that she had not enough souls, and ended up with each time a different soldier that had different abilities but all were still being rejected. Most of these soldiers even had abilities Shikiro even did not know about. Eventually their main abilities were: making portals to other dimensions (here comes the name dimension warriors in place), reading the mind of those who were weaker than them, manipulating thoughts and faster healing. They also could not get any illnesses, were stronger, faster and needed less sleep, food and water. Compared to a human body all organs were removed except on big organ that filled the body which would pump around blood. this organ could eliminate any illness, store food and make it into energy which is pumped around the blood.
There was just one great flaw in this body. The blood held the energy of the body and it circulated to provide the body with energy so they could fight and basically move their body. This energy could save lives (by letting someone dying drink a droplet of the energy thus blood they would become healthy again) but the amount of energy given makes the body weaker and the one who had the energy for a short while would become stronger. It could save lives but also kill the one providing the energy.
Would for example a vampire suck their blood and drain them of all their energy, not only would the vampire become a lot stronger for as long as the energy would be in them, the dimension warrior becomes weaker and could die; if they do not have enough energy the body becomes ill (the only illness that cannot be eliminated) they get terribly sick and will not be able to move, they get extremely weak. If not treated by a healer they will die and their soul will not return to the gate in the underworld. Also whenever a dimension warrior gets killed near the void or in the void they will not return either. Long ago this was considered a 'fine' execution under the people.
The dimension warriors eventually became a civilization of souls that wandered zone zero and has years of history before we come to 2014 (ish) where the current story develops. The current chosen prince – they stopped calling it a king/queen since it sounds too oppressing - is Suito Hariga, a gentle youth with his advisor Xiath, who has no last name because he died with amnesia and he still does not remember who he is in his current body. There are in total 15 different characters with each their own background story and their own ideals. The rest of those stories and the deeper lore of these warriors I'd like to keep secret for now since I'd like to use that in perhaps future rp's. I will introduce one minor character tough but still one of the most important to me:
Dai – the second prince of zone zero, were there to happen something with Suito he would take his place. Current age: over 500 years old. He is a spoiled little boy – spoiled by Shikiro – and he does not take no for an answer. He does whatever he likes whether you like it or not.
Picture:
I have been creating these characters since I am 11 (19 now). They have been developing over time and I'd like to know what you guys think of it. Of course please conciser the way you give your critique on it (basically: no hate please)
The basic idea is that at some point all of my characters died. Their souls went to the underworld which holds two portals; one to heaven and one to hell. Some souls who are not required to go to hell nor can go to heaven are deemed to stay in the zone between those two portals until they are deemed another sentence. The souls wandering that zone have been calling it zone zero. Because it looks like earth but purple-black and can hold no living thing that could rot away. No plants and hunger is always a thing in zone zero (the underworld). You can´t die again so it has a little of Heaven but also a little of hell because it's torture.
Shikiro – A fallen angel has been wandering that very same zone with the task of the gods to make soldiers to defend heaven from the attacks of hell. These warriors had to be inspected by one of the gods daughter's who would deem them a good soldier or not. If they were a good soldier they would go to heaven and help the angels defend heaven and its souls. If not, they would be killed in a peaceful manner so their soul would return to the gate where souls normally go when their physical body dies.
The warriors had to come from somewhere and Shikiro decided to (with their permission) turn the souls that wandered zone zero into these soldiers. Their soul would be transferred to a body and they were promised to go to heaven if they were good soldiers and did as they were supposed to. Most souls would agree with it and they were the first experiments to be these new soldiers.
There were problems along the way tough and a lot of mistakes were made. The daughter of the gods rejected them again and again for these problems. Eventually after thousands of years a lot of souls have even been disappearing. Some did not return after they have been killed and that was where Shikiro stopped 'killing' them and let them live. She concluded the souls needed a sacrifice to be able to get inside the new body. Basically the soul became weaker every time because a part of the soul was sent to the void that was around zone zero to never return.
Her project became slower now that she had not enough souls, and ended up with each time a different soldier that had different abilities but all were still being rejected. Most of these soldiers even had abilities Shikiro even did not know about. Eventually their main abilities were: making portals to other dimensions (here comes the name dimension warriors in place), reading the mind of those who were weaker than them, manipulating thoughts and faster healing. They also could not get any illnesses, were stronger, faster and needed less sleep, food and water. Compared to a human body all organs were removed except on big organ that filled the body which would pump around blood. this organ could eliminate any illness, store food and make it into energy which is pumped around the blood.
There was just one great flaw in this body. The blood held the energy of the body and it circulated to provide the body with energy so they could fight and basically move their body. This energy could save lives (by letting someone dying drink a droplet of the energy thus blood they would become healthy again) but the amount of energy given makes the body weaker and the one who had the energy for a short while would become stronger. It could save lives but also kill the one providing the energy.
Would for example a vampire suck their blood and drain them of all their energy, not only would the vampire become a lot stronger for as long as the energy would be in them, the dimension warrior becomes weaker and could die; if they do not have enough energy the body becomes ill (the only illness that cannot be eliminated) they get terribly sick and will not be able to move, they get extremely weak. If not treated by a healer they will die and their soul will not return to the gate in the underworld. Also whenever a dimension warrior gets killed near the void or in the void they will not return either. Long ago this was considered a 'fine' execution under the people.
The dimension warriors eventually became a civilization of souls that wandered zone zero and has years of history before we come to 2014 (ish) where the current story develops. The current chosen prince – they stopped calling it a king/queen since it sounds too oppressing - is Suito Hariga, a gentle youth with his advisor Xiath, who has no last name because he died with amnesia and he still does not remember who he is in his current body. There are in total 15 different characters with each their own background story and their own ideals. The rest of those stories and the deeper lore of these warriors I'd like to keep secret for now since I'd like to use that in perhaps future rp's. I will introduce one minor character tough but still one of the most important to me:
Dai – the second prince of zone zero, were there to happen something with Suito he would take his place. Current age: over 500 years old. He is a spoiled little boy – spoiled by Shikiro – and he does not take no for an answer. He does whatever he likes whether you like it or not.
Picture: